The Top 10 Types of Douchebags in Tech and How NOT to Be One
Whatever else I accomplish in life, I certainly hope I keep my non-douchebaggy status. Treat each person you meet with respect, kindness and thoughtfulness. It’s a standard we can all strive for, but some seem to fall extra short. So here are my muses on the types of Douchebags you can run across in the tech world, and how not to be one.
1.) CEOs Whose Cockiness is Just Dickiness
Who Are You: You bark orders at waiters and never say thank you or please. Your sense of entitlement is only outweighed by your rudeness. Some small measure of success has made you actually believe that you’re better than other people so you treat others like 2nd class citizens and tend to be a glad-handing sycophant by day and insecure sad little child by night.
What’s the Remedy: This is a tough one. Typically the only remedy is a visit by the Ghost of Christmas Future or your own financial demise. Vito Corleone was feared but he was also loved. Mark McCluskey (the police captain in The Godfater) was simply capped in the head. Remember that the next time you give some waiter your attitude at an Italian joint.
2.) The Self Aggrandized Investor/Venture Capitalist
Who Are You: Well Mr/Mrs Money Bags, you’re the person who only takes time to talk to someone when they are already a big shot. You only hobnob at parties with CEOs who have had (& will have) multi-million/ billion dollar exits and treat the little guy like they’re invisible. You never take time to ask others questions and listening to the sound of your own voice is like masturbation… you get off on it, but really no one wants to be around you when it’s going on.
What’s The Remedy: At social mixers make eye contact at least 20% of the time with people who approach you; temper negative feedback with some positive reinforcement on the struggles of trying to come up; don’t treat people differently based on the amount of money you think they can make you.
3.) The Uber-Annoying Service Provider
Who Are You: You corner us at mixers and tell stories about all the great things you do and how wonderful you are, without having any idea if we need your help. You’re persistent past the point of pestilent, and you have the tact and self awareness of a sledge-hammer tainted with cyanide.
What’s The Remedy: Don’t bother asking yourself if people like you, they don’t. Ask yourself if you’d want to spend 5 minutes with you, you wouldn’t. Being a service provider is one of the greatest professions and one that should engender a great deal of trust and always start and end with solving other people’s problems. Don’t be that problem.
4.) The Ineffectual Executive
Who Are You: In an 5 minute conversation you say the words Strategy, Strategic, & Strategizing over 3 dozen times. “I bring a discipline of strategizing over strategic strategy”. You take credit for items as absurd as the exploits of the Most Interesting Man in the World. And you’re a big fan of the dropping the phrase “I’m not scared to roll up my sleeves” – who would ever be scared of that….
What’s the Remedy: Learn & apply any current marketable skills.
5.) Business Dolts Who Devalue Engineers
Who Are You: You throw around the phrase “Code-Monkeys”. You consider it a badge of honor that you’re too important to know the difference between AJAX and Windex. You take no interest nor show any curiosity in how technical systems are built or maintained, and Engineering is the least valued/respected part of your organization.
What’s the Remedy: Have a conversation a day with a techie for 30 straight days. You’ll realize they’re smarter than you, more passionate about what they do, more engaged in their work and solve more interesting problems. If you still want to dis on engineering after that at least you should have some more tech slang to give you street cred.
6.) Tech Snobs Who Look Down on Business
Who Are You: Do you have a disdain for making money? Are words like “Conversion, Sales, Revenue Optimization” dirty language at your parties? Then you may be afflicted by the common disease known as Imtoocoolformyowngooditis. It’s dumb to bite the hand the feeds you, and even more lame to spite it with disdain. Sales and making money is the purest exchange of value, and without that no great tech invention would be a permanent fixture in our lives.
What’s the Remedy: Don’t be too smart for your own good. A students get great jobs, but hustling C students hire A students. Take time to learn how business leaders are able to affect people both one on one and in masses and you’ll see how to unlock the true potential of your inventions.
7.) The WannaBe Board of Advisor
Who Are You: You offer your board advisory skilz up repeatedly, but the only stock you have is in your brother-in-law’s startup up investment bank and a German foreign language film site that specializes in off color humor flicks. You’re a BIG fan of telling other how you can help them raise money and make connections. And sometimes you even generously offer up your part time CEOs services, and tout how you do the same for 6 other companies simultaneously.
What’s the Remedy: Don’t ever offer to be a Board of Advisor unless you’re asked first. If you’re services are actually in demand they will be sought out Casanova of Board Advising.
8.) Self-Entitled Social-Media HotShots
Who Are You: Your license plate reads “SCLEXPT”. You spend all day teaching the most computer illiterate people how to create a facebook page and twitter loggin and you mock anyone who doesn’t spend 3 hours a day updating their FB status or tweeting photos of their lunch. You have about as much “expertise” as 24-hour online certified priests, but tout your un-knowledge like a peacock on parade.
What’s the Remedy: Make somebody money. I’m offering a $1000 bounty for the first social media expert that has ever made money with their social stream. Here’s a tip: if you have more friends online than you do in real life, and they’re people you’ve never met, become more of an expert at forming real life relationships.
9.) The Wistful WouldhaveShouldhaveCouldhave ByStander
Who Are You: Have you said this phrase in the last week “Oh, I so had that idea two years ago”. Congratulations, as my dad would say “I’ll give you a shit medal”. Are you really going to tell me you could have done a better job creating Groupon? Oh yes that’s right you still live at home in your late 30s but are the captain of your weekend league ultimate frisbee team. You may have been the first of your friends to create an online bulletin board, but let’s be honest, it was just to download porn. Congratulations you still do that very well.
What’s The Remedy: Stop talking and start doing.
10.) The Hatter Trolls
Who Are You: You’re free time on work breaks, of which you take 15+ throughout the day because you hate what you do, is spent online talking shit about the accomplishments of others. You feel better for knocking down others while never putting yourself up to the light of scrutiny. You leave comments on blogs as Anonymous or MrBombastic. And you don’t just relegate your hating to online forms but take every instance to talk shit behind someone’s back, while praising them to their face.
What’s the Remedy: Drink Your Own Haterade. Sure there is plenty to criticize, just look at season 5 of Happy Day. But I personally think Jumping a Shark on waterskis and in a leather jacket is badass. You don’t get to be cool by talking shit about others unless you are the creator of American Idol, have a British accent and launch the career of a portly Irish woman who sings I Dreamed a Dream like an angel from heaven.
Jason, this is the first blog I’ve read by you (though I’ve seen you host or be on TWiST a bunch of times) and I have to say – I was dying laughing but simultaneously learning when I was reading this.
Seriously, great stuff.
While I’m still only an aspiring entrepreneur, I’m going to remember this post as I chase my dreams and do my best to not turn into any of these type of douche bags.
No matter where you are in your journey, I think it’s so huge to never forget where you came from. I wrote “Origin Never Forgotten” on my basketball sneakers actually in high school lol…anyways, loved the post and hope to use it as reminder to not act like these things.
- john X
Great great Post! While I was reading through these, I was immediately putting faces to the traits.
The biggest one I hate is the number 1. I came from a working class family my father drove a truck for 28 years. He decided to start his own company and through 22 hour days he was able to build a success 21yr old company. The one thing he taught all of his kids is respect. Respect for elders, workers, co-workers, vendors and customers. This is an important trait I expect from everyone in my organizations. If I hear someone yelling at a janitor because of no TP, it looks like it is time we talk about your future. I don’t care if you scrub a toilet or made deals like Buffett until you make yourself look like an ass, I give the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you for a good Friday read.
twitter: @ahurst
This is awesome, Jason. Well said on all levels. – Serena
I like how you ignored how annoying developers and engineers can be. Really classy.
BTW E-Mail Address is mispelled on your webpage. Can you find where?
Funny, despite the numerous spelling and grammar problems. That’s a pretty douchebag thing to do.
love. it! i find myself trying really hard to make sure I’m not a dooshbag online haha, at times i find myself guilty of not being that nice when I should be… some good advice in here!
Friend, you’ve just earned my feed subscription.
Well written, funny, honest, and true.
I’m not a tech douchebag, but I feel that I might be a Hookah douchebag… actually I’m wondering if we can make a hookah out of a douche bag. Jason, you’ve done it again my friend!!! Your brilliant analysis has inspired me!!!
Wow, Great read. Funny yet right! Glad someone said those things. I sure have been thinking those things for years.
Thanks for calling attention to these people.
Don’t forget the annoying recruiter that is always in your face.
Totally agree Jason, all of those personalities sound insufferable.
At least most of the personalities are induced by ignorance, with the exception of numbers 1 and 10 (and maybe 2).
Keep up the good work,
http://manatworkblog.com/the-best-training-ive-ever-had/
I would like at least 2 examples of people in LA per item, one good one bad. If you need help in coming up with them I have a few ideas for you:)
[...] I have writer’s block and don’t publish content at least once per week. Then I read The Top 10 Types of Douchebags in Tech and How NOT to Be One and decided to publish the post. So there you have [...]
and they are all reading this and saying, “he’s not talking about me.”
Loved the piece. I do work with a Social Media Hotshot who has actually measured AND monetized a social media campaign (to the tune of 168% sales growth over 4 months). Do you need an address to send my $1K?
“I’ll give you a shit medal.” Hilarious.
This post from a guy from a company that does not reply to its users having issues. Really? Might be #11
Why is it so difficult for people to get “your” versus “you’re” right? You realize that they mean different things, right?
[...] Originally published on Jason Nazar’s blog [...]
For #1 and #2 it’s always easy to learn humility.
Go to a foreign country where you don’t know the language and they don’t speak English and spend some time there. Extra points if you don’t know the alphabet. You’ll learn humility really fast when you see the local 3 year old can communicate better than you do.
Don’t have the time for the travel? No problem. Take a beginner class in something you have no skill.
Except for the hater troll, these DBs all have lots of power and money? Why would we not want that?
Perfect! Thanks Jason.
Nice! excellent read on a Friday
Wow, some serious d bags indeed.
http://www.being-anon.int.tc
Epic read! Thanks a lot!
Wait – you forgot to include #11:
Bloggers who think that by listing their degrees and supposed accomplishments they automatically become well-regarded sources of information. They particularly love to make humorous “lists” and posts about painfully obvious information to earn readers.
Well said. I’ve run into a bunch of these as of late. However you forgot the DoNothingTalker who calls lots of meetings to talk about nothing and then does nothing. Love those even more than the VC who is so pompous yet no one really knows him/her.
Thanks for saving me the words. There is so much of this in this field that at times I get a bit discouraged. But hey….it’s like that everywhere. I might as well learn to deal with it…or get back to piano teaching.
Hey, excellent website. I actually came across this particular on Msn, and i ‘m happy I did. I will definately end up being coming back here more regularly. Wish I could add to the conversation as well as bring a little more towards the table, however am simply absorbing just as much info because I can right now. Thank you
Just by the title of this post, I instantly thought of Mike Arrington of TechCrunch. While he can be quite douchy, he is quite good at what he does. I just tend to watch the tech sector people and make my own judgements or future reference. Thank you for the great article.
i hope that if i’m ever unintentionally one of these, i’ll have friends who are “Okay Being Rude By Fairly Telling You When You Suck, But Not Holding It Against You”.
we could all use more of these friends
oh, you are my HERO.
this has such universal appeal … thank you.
Awesome post Jason!
[...] How to not be a Tech douchebag. [...]
Love it. Sadly, after 20 years in tech, I know multiple examples of each. Currently meeting a lot of #6 ever since VCs (#2s) started handing out bags of gold to any douchebag with a social-media-kinda-sorta startup concept and no idea how it’ll ever make any money. Newsflash: we don’t care if your site is written in Ruby and uses NoSQL. When will it make money?
Good post!
>a portly Irish woman who sings I Dreamed a Dream like an angel from heaven.
IIRC she (Susan Boyle) is Scottish, not Irish.
Excellent post — I came here after reading Sarah Lacey’s “The New Silicon Valley Douchebag” and this is much, much better. Excellent.
Cool story bro
Susan Boyle was Scottish you stupid hatter.
[...] something shinier comes along.” That is definitely not a real entrepreneur. Jason Nazar writes more on the [...]
Absofreakinglutely right on. Hilariously brilliant. Takes the edge off knowing all those SOB. More. More. More.
Found this site thru the show Your Business. Great find. I certainly enjoyed reading this post and I will continue reading. Thanks
Congrats on making the moronic sweeping generalization that Engineers/Techies are just smarter than Business-minded folk. There is a reason why people constantly complain about the Brain Drain that is Wall Street, because SMART PEOPLE gravitate toward what appears to be a relatively low risk, lucrative career. Fucking moron.
Awesome post!
Loved it, the “Business Dolts Who Devalue Engineers” part is so true!
Ha! I like your problem solving mantra. Your personality analysis is hilarious, but why worry about the self-sabotage of others. Don’t they already pay the consequences of their actions? And how does one retain their “nice” image while simultaneously judging others so harshly?